Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman

Reveal how much your car cost.

Clean your gun.

Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed).

Refer to your mother as your best friend.

Rap.

Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter.

Question our footwear.

Blow-dry your hair.

Tip less than 20 percent.

Celebrity impressions.

Impressions of us.

Forget to carry cash.

Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction.

Wii.

Boot and rally.

Scream—at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.

Talk about former exploits. Ever.

Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man.

Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)